Jules’ head is full of candyfloss

My brain has gone into porn overload and everything I see or hear has very overtly sexual conotations to it..so time to expand on my porn shed theory.

Firstly porn and sex aids deserve to be displayed openly, not hidden in bedside cabinets and under beds. You need to display these items proudly, shouting – ‘here is my porn, come have a look, my collection is very extensive…..you like?’.

Not have it so that it sends you into a brown paper bag inhaling panic attack everytime your parents or babysitter comes round. Steady boys..once you start going down the babysitter track there is no return…

Darling? Have you put all the porn away?
Yes of course sweetness
All of it? Including that really dodgy stuff you had to get flown in from Finland in a special container and you had to give them your Swiss Bank account details before they’d hand it over?
Yes dear, all of it, its all safely stashed in the bedside cabinet.

Oh yes the ‘bedside cabinet’ cause no fucker is ever going to think about looking in there. It’s the first thing you do, surely? If you’re housesitting or left to your own devices in someone else’s house for any length of time – you go looking for porn. Of course you rummage through the old medicine cabinet first in case they have any embarrassing ailments but then you search for porn.

But oh no, someone’s been sneaky and they have a lockable bedside drawer (the fuckwits) but it is ok ‘For I am Pornania Jones, intrepid porn treasure seeker. Your fiendish traps and tricks are no match for my cunning and well lubricated fingers’.

Hmmm now where could thay have possibly stashed the key?
Could it by any chance be taped to the underside of the bed? No?
In the little trinket box on the dressing table? No?
Damn trickies these trusted friends of mine.

So then and only then, when you’ve exhausted all possibilities do you go that place that dare not be mentioned. To that unholy hiding place of all that is evil…

THE MAN’S SOCK DRAWER

I know ladies please try and remain calm I’ll send someone round with some smelling salts shortly.

Of course being British we couldn’t possibly display our porn so brazenly, oh no we’d much rather wait until we’re all sat round for Christmas dinner. Auntie Doris is saying grace and is just at the moment when she says Amen and everyone opens their eyes, when Little Bobby makes an appearance sporting a rather fetching spiked rubber hood with matching love beads necklace!

So be proud of your porn and display it where everyone can see it, even Auntie Doris might like a crack at it.